It's all a blur.

It's mid-May. Did this happen while I was sleeping? I really for the life of me cannot figure out where this year has gone. Nor can I figure out for the life of me why I sound like an 82 year old woman by writing about time and how it's passing so quickly. Well, at least I'm having fun.

Since I blogged last, we've celebrated Easter...

[We missed Justin at the Easter celebration.]

Celebrated Cash's 4th birthday...

[No, he didn't get cake. Yes, he's still crazy energetic.]

Celebrated Micah's 14th birthday...

[How did that little baby boy in orange grow up to be 14 already? Wasn't it just my freshman year of college when I was getting a page on my pager [stop laughing, you know non-drug dealers had pagers in the late 90's] from mom and dad with the "in labor, headed to hospital" code? [Again, enough with the 82 year old woman talk.]

Celebrated a marriage...


Celebrating Adam and Valerie's wedding was super fun...


Celebrated treasured friendships...

[I do not know why this picture is life size. In fact, I think it's larger than life size. Just focus on Baby E. who is impossibly adorable.]

For more photo evidence of the aforementioned fun, hop on over here.

We also celebrated Mother's Day, and I do love my mama very, very much. She was down with the sickness on Mother's Day though so I expressed my love by throwing a sleeve of saltines and can of Sprite and cold washrags to her from the hallway outside of her bedroom door. Clearly I'm not a mom yet or my nurture gene would have been a little more....um, nurturing.

In other news I also registered for a half-marathon. Yep. I'm committed. If I pay muchos pesos for a registration fee, I'm going to do it. I must have been under the influence of a runner's high when I registered because sitting here at my desk in the cool air-conditioned controlled climate, I am dreading this afternoon's run and totally second guessing that decision. At least I have until December to mentally prepare. Yes, it's in December and I registered for it in April. There's a 96% chance I'll forget that I even registered for it by race day.

Ok, that's all for now. Maybe in another 5 weeks or so I'll be back with completely unsolicited commentary on things like my current favorite songs, summer television shows, or something as equally nonsensical and dullsville.

Soundtrack: You Can Do This & You Will Do This Edition.

Y'all. I don't really like for my posts to sound like they are written by Debbie Downer, but my heart is heavy and burdened for so many precious folks in my life. Bodies are failing, marriages are falling apart, strongholds are getting stronger. The thing about hurt and pain is that it's not easily defined and what may be a struggle for one isn't for another. So it's times like these that while I really, really, really just want to fix it and make it better for the people in my circle whom I love and care for dearly, I have learned that sometimes the best response is being like Job's friends. And for you Bible scholars out there who know much more about the book of Job than I do, I'm specifically referring to their initial response when Job initially lost seemingly everything:

"When Job's three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was." Job 2:11-13

I love how they responded because they went to him, they grieved for him and along with him, and then they remained with him even when they knew that they could not change circumstances.

Andy Stanley has a fantastic message on the topic of Pain in a series called Twisted titled "Facing Forward". [It's Part 3, for those of you who may be inspired to follow the link and listen...which I highly recommend!] In his message he uses one of my favorite C.S. Lewis quotes: "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world”. Please don't be mistaken and take this as God is shouting at us and He's using this pain as a message to try to 'get our attention' or 'make us pay'. I struggled with that way of thinking for a long, long time because I had [and sometimes still have] the tendency to believe that I was experiencing a painful event as punishment as a result of something that I had done. Of course, our decisions can lead us to experience painful situations, but once again, I was giving myself way too much credit for being able to control my life and my circumstances and figure out God's responses to my behavior. Besides, God is a God of grace, not in your face punishment. He loves us. [and because he loves us, he disciplines us, yes.] He grieves with us.

For those of you who love music as much as I do, I have certain "go to" songs depending upon whether I'm experiencing good, bad, mediocre, or somewhere in between. I also have weird hang-ups about only listening to Alison Krauss during the fall months but that's another post for another psychotherapist to decipher. So here are some of my current favorite songs for when things in life are a little chaotic or full of hurt and confusion:

I Will Not Be Moved. Natalie Grant.
Overcome. Jeremy Camp.
Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You). Kelly Clarkson. [Confession: I do the dance that's in the video on a regular basis in my living room. And I look super awesome when I do.]
The Hurt and The Healer. MercyMe
Walk. Foo Fighters. [Not going to lie: There really aren't very many situations in life in which FF can't improve matters at least a little.]
Times Like These. Foo Fighters.
Lift High. Steve Fee. "Nothing brings him greater fame / When broken people call his name."
God's Not Dead. Newsboys.

I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge in this post that today would have been my daddy's 57th birthday. We miss him greatly and there are still some days when I catch myself thinking "Really? My dad isn't here and I can't just pick up the phone and call him if I want to?" It's not that I'm in denial, it's just that even after almost three years, the death of a loved one is still a bit surreal. It catches you off guard at the most unexpected times. In the beginning those moments were absolutely excruciating and I dreaded them. It was still too new and the pain was far too great. Eventually though those moments became welcome because they serve as nice reminders of sweet memories. [Even if the nice man sitting next to you on the airplane cannot for the life of him figure out why this girl just suddenly teared up for no apparent reason at all in mid-conversation.]

So, if you're out there reading this and you happen to be going through a painful period in life, not only can you get through it, you will get through it.

Irrational Fear.

irrational (adjective) - not in accordance with reason; utterly illogical
fear (noun) - something that causes feelings of dread or apprehension; something a person is afraid of
Source: Dictionary.com

Those of you who know me best know that I have a tendency to worry on occasion. By occasion, I might or might not mean 17 hours per day at least 6 days per week. Fortunately, my worry gene doesn't conflict with my love of sleep gene.

If you know me best, you also know that most of worries are absolutely ridiculous in the grand scheme of things. They are completely and totally irrational. I've even been known to call a fellow worrier once or a thousand times and say "Ok, I need to talk through my latest irrational fear." [Ugh, remind me to never, ever pray for transparency again. Ever.] Usually just verbalizing the fear diminishes much of the anxiety that accompanies it. Sometimes though I just internalize it. Usually a clear indicator that this is happening is that some hair on the right side of my head is a little curlier than the other curls because I twirl it like crazy when something is on my mind.

The source of inspiration for today's topic comes in light of my most recent trip to the dentist. Fact: I fear the dentist. Like, I fear the dentist so much that when I became a grown up with my own dental insurance and decision-making abilities, I decided to stop going. [Instead of judging me, thank me for being the person who contributes to low insurance premiums!!] And then my wisdom teeth started bothering me so I took care of that little detail and never went back once the post-surgery Percocet wore off. I'm embarrassed to admit how long ago that was. Then suddenly two weeks ago I chipped a tooth while flossing. The only thing scarier than going to the dentist is walking around a speed dating event with a snaggle tooth. Bahahahahaha, speed dating event. Talk about stirring up some irrational fear. Long story short, the tooth was repaired without major consequence but they weren't able to do a cleaning that day so I scheduled it for Monday, May 8 at 2:00. All sorts of time to mentally prepare for that little visit. Until yesterday morning when my phone rang and my friendly neighborhood dentist had a cancellation for that afternoon. Oh. My. Word. You would have thought that I was entering the Hunger Games arena. But guess what: It wasn't a terrible trip at all. My teeth are in tip-top shape AND the dentist didn't even have to hold my nose to get me to open my mouth so that he could fit me for a partial tooth. That childhood event might or might not be a contributing factor to my irrational fear of the dentist.

What are some other irrational fears of mine? Oh, I've got a laundry list, unfortunately.

Balloons. If I ever have children, they will never have balloons at their birthday parties. Or at the grocery store. Or at a restaurant. Or ever. I mean, there's nothing more disturbing than going to O'Charley's when all I want to do is load up on those hot rolls and a fried chicken salad smothered in cheese, honey mustard dressing and olive oil infused croutons and end up sitting directly behind a toothy toddler with a balloon tied to his high chair. Not only is it a choking hazard, it is a recipe for unanticipated loud noises and I don't like those one little bit. Which leads me to...

Thunder. You know how adults always say to kids during thunderstorms "oh, that's just God and the angels bowling up there." Gimme a break. I wholeheartedly believe that God has better things to do with his time than bowl a couple of games during the spring and summer months. Not that I'm not an avid supporter of leisurely pursuits, but really bowling? Might I recommend Angry Birds. He can mute the volume on his smart phone. I'm not sure why I'm afraid of thunder. My dear daddy used to always say that it's because I stayed with my grandmother during the day and she was terrified of thunder so I learned that fear from her because she would jump and say "gosh!" every.single.time. it thundered which totally interrupted my 5:00 viewing of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. Chalk one up for nurture in the nature versus nurture battle.

Apartment Fire. I do not trust my neighbors. Why not? I excitedly posted this picture on April 3, 2010 to rejoice the departure of my least favorite pair in the hood:

They are STILL here. And they are not the most responsible smokers if you know what I mean. All is takes is one rogue still smoldering cigarette in the dry, dry pine straw during the summer months and well, I don't even like to think about it. Especially when my sweet, sweet puppy spends his days at home innocently watching day time television and dreaming of treeing cats.

Never getting married. Please, no eyerolls. Allow me to say what I have to say because this isn't so much a fear as it is a worry. It's not like I'm afraid of living by myself because I've been doing that a-ok for 10 years now. I just believe we were created to share life with someone and by someone, I do not mean a herd of cats or even a loyal canine companion. This, like the other ones I've listed it's completely and totally irrational.

So, let's discuss:

Dentists. If I'm going to be afraid, then shouldn't I be more concerned about the long-term negative health consequences that result from not going to the dentist than I am about the scrapy thing on my teeth or having to get a shot in the roof of my mouth and the needle hitting a nerve over and over again during said shot (that also happened in childhood)? Yes, yes, I should.

Balloons. If I'm going to be afraid, shouldn't I be more concerned about the choking-hazard that the balloon poses to the toddler who is happily chomping away on an inflated balloon instead of a loud noise disturbing my dinner as I'm happily chomping away on those hot rolls slathered in butter?

Thunder. If I'm going to be afraid, shouldn't I be more concerned about the lightening or tornadoes that typically accompanies thunder?

Apartment Fire. Ok, I still haven't actually come up with a ridiculous point for this one. Other than the fact that I apparently STILL haven't come to terms with the fact that I cannot control the universe. NomattherhowhardItry.

Never getting married. If I'm going to fear anything about this topic, shouldn't I be more concerned over marrying the wrong person? Because the only thing I want to do less than never get married is to get a divorce.

Here's what I've learned about fear and worry in this little life of mine, thus far. Typically when we have a real, substantial reason to worry, we don't have time to do so. The worry doesn't consume us because our bodies kick into some sort of weird survival-push through-I can do this mode. The only example/experience that immediately comes to my mind is when dad was sick in the hospital before he died. That time was so uncertain and full of unknowns but I was filled with a continuous peace throughout it all. In fact, this is what got me through much of that time:

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4: 4-7

Maybe you're wondering how I can just read a passage and say "oh, that's all I needed to make it through a trying time." Well, that's not what I'm saying for a single second, but I absolutely believe these words because I did make it through that trying time with a sense of peace throughout it all. And I know my success is not my success at all. Without God and his grace, love and mercy, I would have been a floundering little fish in so many circumstances. Yes, my faith is much stronger in hindsight than it is in the midst of a storm. Just call me Thomas. Or Peter. Or well, actually call me Heather, please.

So, what does worrying accomplish? Not one single thing. I write about these ridiculous worries in jest, but also with a bit of seriousness because worry and fear are very real things to the person who experiences them. Even when there is nothing really to be afraid of or worried about. Our minds are incredible and we can drive that crazy train of doubt, fear, and worry until it derails or runs out of gas. My intent is that the next time the train pulls into the station, before I hop aboard, I will remember to stop and determine if there's reason for worry. Typically if I have to question it, I already know the answer. And when I cannot rely on myself alone (which I never, ever should), maybe I'll remember to turn here. Which is where I should start in the first place, but I've never claimed to always take the most direct route...she says 1,575 words later.

"Pray and let God Worry." -Martin Luther